The Wildest Kind of Pretty Read online

  Chapter 5

  I awake at the sound of fists pounding the door. I open my eyes but immediately regret it because the light burns. I feel like a vampire as I crave for the dark. My head is killing me and my stomach aches. I look around the room and blink again when I hear Blake cursing. His voice is muffled and he sounds far away. And then there’s more beating at the door and I growl at the noise wishing it away. I blink and try to remember last night, but it’s a large gaping hole. All I remember is Evan jumping off the boat with me; Kammie kissing Blake and arms holding me. I feel a heartbeat at the back of my head and I look over my shoulder. Evan has his arms wrapped around me and he greets me with a smile, “good morning.”

  I look down panicked, but I let out a breath because all of my clothes are still on. Evan kisses the top of my head and I am thankful that his clothes are still on too. I gulp, “What happened last night? I can’t remember a thing.” There’s more cursing and fist pounding.

  Evan walks over to the door; opens it and lets out a curse, “You really did a number on this door bro.” Blake shoves Evan and walks over to me.

  “Did he touch you?” I look up at Blake confused. I have no idea what happened but I kind of remember someone being sweet and taking care of me.

  I shake my head, “No! Not that it’s your business.” I roll my eyes and ease past Blake. I stop in the doorway when I see the door is cracked and split around the doorknob. My jaw drops in disbelief, “What happened?”

  I look up and see Kim slouched against my doorway in my room, “Evan locked you in the bathroom while you puked and Blake kept trying to break the door down,” she nodded her head at the floor, I followed her eyes and saw Kammie in one of my baggie shirts passed out laying on her side, and it looks like she’s covered in puke, “and she sat outside the bathroom waiting for Blake to bust the door down so she could go pee,” Kim scrunches her nose.

  I turn and look at Blake in utter astonishment, “Um, it’s not like there aren’t other bathrooms in this house.”

  Blake’s face crumples and he looks like he’s about to speak but he doesn’t, but then he shakes his head and says, “Well we were all pretty messed up.”

  I nod, “I’ll say, I don’t remember a thing.” I go to my first real party and I can’t even remember if I had a good time or not. I don’t feel like I had a good time. My whole body aches; I really hope I didn’t do anything embarrassing.

  Kim laughs, “well things went all bat shit crazy after we played a game of seven minutes in heaven,” I cut Kim off and can’t believe my ears.

  “What all did we do last night?” I raise a hand and rub my brow. I really can’t believe I was at an epic party and I remember nothing of it. It’s a little frustrating and makes you feel kind of like a bad ass at the same time.

  Kim nods her head, “yup we played spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven, and like I said it all goes bat shit crazy after you got Kammie and Trevor out of the closet.” Blake asks me if I really don’t remember, but I ignore him because I think it’s obvious I don’t.

  “Wait what? Why was Trevor in the closet with Kammie?” Now I’m really confused and kind of scared. I think I remember overhearing Kim make threats if Kammie didn’t stop flirting with Trev. But I really can’t be so sure.

  Kim smiles, “let me back up a sec we drew names,” she wets her lips and continues, “anyways you opened the door to end their seven minutes and she puked all over you guys,” I grimace at the fact that the dried puke on my stomach isn’t all mine, or maybe not mine at all, “yeah think total exorcist. I mean she was crawling like a dog or something and puking while she crawled it was totally gross,” I start to laugh even though it hurts my head, “yeah and Trev rolled around in her puke all damn night, he kept screaming about slime being in his eyes and how cold he was, but the dummy wouldn’t stop rolling in it, and you,” she points at me laughing, “you walked in circles trailing behind Kammie and every so often you would yell at her to stop and lay on her side. Then you take off running out of the room and go to the bathroom. Evan followed you and locked us all out of the bathroom. Blake fell in puke and when he got up he was instant pissed. Then Kammie starts wailing about having to pee and I told her to hold it because you two were in the bathroom,” I wipe my eyes, “the next thing I know Blake jumps out of the floor and beats on the door and of course Kammie crawls behind him crying and seriously pissing herself while she crawls to the bathroom. Blake beat the door all night and promised to break it down and you kept yelling at him to make sure Kammie was on her side.”

  I stare at Kammie and can’t hold in the laughter to save her a little face, “she’s going to be so embarrassed.” I laugh so hard I cry; I laugh so hard it makes me nauseous, it did sound bat shit crazy.

  Kim nods, “as I said bat shit crazy.” Evan chooses this moment to whip out his cell phone and show me live footage. First I see the video of Kim kissing me, and I’m guessing this is when we played spin the bottle. My cheeks flush and I still don’t remember any of it and I’m kind of glad I can’t remember that part. Now I’m watching Kammie crawl and puke and she’s moaning which sounds like growling and it does remind me of the exorcist. I laugh uncontrollably while I watch Trev scream about the slime, he’s definitely lying in a pile of puke. Kim is screaming go to the toilet bitch and I can’t help but laugh, all the while I’m chasing Kammie around the room while she crawls and spews, my sides burn from laughing so much and then the video stops when I make a run for the room. I guess because Evan is following me to take care of me; which kind of warms me up to him; and makes him a little hotter to me.

  I face him, “did you take care of me all night?” Evan looks at his feet and I smile, “thanks so much,” I shake my head, “I really don’t remember much. I remember Kammie kissing Blake and Evan throwing us off the boat but that’s kind of it.”

  Kim snorts, “Well there’s a lot more to it than that.”

  I nod and turn to Blake. He looks kind of like a lost pup, and it makes me feel a little sad and confused. And I don’t know why but I don’t want him to be sad, even though I know it doesn’t make sense because he obviously doesn’t like me for some reason, “so are you and Kammie together now?” I ask him.

  Blake looks agitated with me and he balls his hands up in fists, “who the hell knows,” he cracks his knuckles and storms downstairs; at first I think he’s just going to get something to eat or something but then I hear the front door slam followed by screeching tires.

  I look from Kim to Evan, “did I do something to him or something? I mean he seemed so pissed.” If I didn’t feel so bad already, I’d worry about what I’ve done to him to make him not like me. But I feel like shit, my body hurts all over, not to mention my pounding head. So I stop thinking about him altogether, I was getting sick of the way he treated me.

  Evan chuckles, “he’s really moody and probably still hung over.” Kim just shrugs and I let it slip out of my mind because I’m not worrying over him anymore. I mean I really shouldn’t care what he thinks because he calls me a mother trucker. And in guy language I don’t even know what that means, but I’m thinking it’s never good for a girl to be compared to a truck driver.

  I stoop over Kammie and give her a shake. She elbows me in the shin and rolls towards the wall. Evan picks her up for me, “What are you doing with her?”

  I nod my head towards the bathroom, “guess I should coax her into getting cleaned up.” Kammie stirs in her sleep and wakes up as Evan sits her on the toilet. Then he turns to me and gives me a salute before he shuts the door to let himself out. I go over and lock the door, “girl you are a mess.”

  Kammie whispers softly but I don’t understand what she’s saying. She points to the water and I turn it on and look to see if that’s what she wants. She nods and I give her a thumbs up. She starts to undress and then she motions for me to come closer. I humor her and bend my ear close, “I wasn’t really asleep this morning while Kim told you what all that went down,” I nodded frowning
at her, “swear on our friendship that you don’t remember last night.”

  I have no idea where she’s going with this, “okay I promise I remember very little; none of what went down in my room.”

  She nods and closes her eyes, and when she opens them, tears well at the brims, “so you caught me and Trevor making out. And you lied about it.” I stare at her stunned. I couldn’t believe my ears, “you opened the door and found me kissing Trevor topless,” tears spill down her face and she shakes her head, “I feel like such a slut. Last night I got my first kiss ever and then I kiss another girl’s boyfriend and rip off my shirt.” My head is swirling in so many directions right now and I don’t even know where to begin, “We were in the closet and at first nothing went down. He was playing on his phone and then I grabbed his phone and covered it with clothes so it was dark and I pounced on top of him. I put his hands on my chest and we were both so drunk. I tried to take my shirt off but I ended up ripping it instead and well we made out and it almost got to that point,” she leaned forward and her eyes popped out of her head, “I touched it, I touched the worm,”

  I hold up my hand, “Woah woah I do not need to hear about my cousin’s worm understand?”

  She ignores me and shakes her head, “it almost got to that point and you stopped us. If there was no time limit I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be a virgin.” we collapse into a hug while she cries on my shoulder.

  My mind is reeling out of control and moving so fast that I have no idea what I think of it all, how the hell do I not remember shit like this? “Well apparently my first kiss was with Kim,” I roll my eyes and try to make her laugh, but it doesn’t work.

  Kammie breaks the hug and shakes her head, “you’re first kiss was with Blake,”

  I think out of all the things I’ve heard and seen from last night, that revelation knocks me off my feet and I am momentarily speechless, “Seriously? Blake’s both of our first kiss?”

  Kammie nods, “spin the bottle,” she bites her lip, “yeah I think we’re together too,” she groans in her hand.

  I smile at her, “get in the shower and I’ll help you break it to Kim.”

  Kammie grabs my elbow, “I don’t remember a thing understands?” She pleads with her eyes, “I can’t remember how slutty I was alright?”

  I nod and I feel a little sick to my stomach, I really would like to be left in the dark with Kim, but Kammie didn’t give me that choice, “take a shower okay?” Kammie nods and slips into the shower while I sit on the toilet. For whatever reason I’m annoyed that Kammie’s brought me in the middle of this, if she had no intentions of telling Kim anything, then she shouldn’t have told me either.

  I jump when Kim knocks on the door, “Don’t leave me out,” she pouts. I sling open the door and relock it. Kim takes my seat at the toilet so I jump and sit in the sink, “Trev and Blake are gone to buy a new door and buy some plaster. They’ve got some stuff to fix before your aunt gets back.”

  I shake my head at it all, “bat shit crazy,” is all I say. The three of us finish our showers and change our clothes. We head downstairs sans makeup and dolled up hair. The three of us are in sweats and tees with our hair up in a messy bun. I cringe at the sight of the house, it’s completely trashed. It’s a good thing Melissa isn’t expected back until Tuesday because we need all the time we can get to fix it up.

  We walk into the kitchen to find the boys stuffing their faces, Evan is the only one in good humor, he holds a piece of pizza in the air and waves it around, “I went on a pizza run while they went to Lowes.”

  Trevor doesn’t look up from his plate and I wonder if he remembers being bad. I pull up a seat next to Evan and Kammie sits next to Blake. Blake fixes Kammie a plate and she murmurs a thanks. Trevor finally breaks the silence, “Yeah I can’t remember a thing,” he says.

  Evan chuckles, “he speaks,” then he turns to let us in on the joke, “he hasn’t said a word since he’s been up,” Evan plops a slice of pizza on a plate and sets it in front of me, “yeah you were drinking pretty heavy.” He says to Trevor.

  Trevor rubs his temple and drags Kim’s chair closer to him. She squeals as he pulls her in his lap and holds her tight. He rubs her back and stares out in space, “yeah and that’s not weird at all,” I toss a towel at Trevor but he doesn’t look my way, he just keeps staring like a crazy person and absentmindedly stroking Kim’s back.

  Everyone’s eating in silence, I go to take a bite of pizza and the smell just makes my stomach churn with a madness. I drop the pizza back onto the plate and look around the table, “so, do you think we can fix everything before Melissa gets back?”

  Trevor pats for Kim to get up from his lap, he props his elbows on the table and runs his hands through his hair, “I’m gonna’ call up the team and get them to come and help repair stuff.” He looks at me and his hair’s flipped in a million different directions.

  I smile impressed that he’s got a personal disaster crew, “I guess we can clean the house while the guys repair things.” I look at Kim and Kammie. They both exchange a get real look. I frown, “right?”

  Kim stands and stretches her back, “Um weren’t you two talking about going shopping?” I guess she can tell by the expression on my face that I don’t have an inkling as to what she is talking about, “you and Kammie were talking about going shopping today.”

  I still don’t remember and I still don’t care, “yeah but that was before I woke up to a trashed house after a night of lunacy.”

  “Well dear it wasn’t our party.” Kim raises her brow and shoots Trevor a look that lets him know she doesn’t plan on helping out with the clean up at all.

  “But we all took part in the partying and we should all help fix the house up,” Kim shakes her head and crosses her arms over chest. I look at Kammie and I’m shocked when I see her shake her head and announce that she’s going shopping with Kim. I narrow my eyes, “Whatever guys, you go shop.”

  Kim laughs, kisses Trevor good bye and walks to the backdoor, “come on Lexi! You know you want to go shopping.”

  I give a fake smile, “I do but I’ll go another time,” I feel like all of my skin has melted off of my bones from an acid bath while I watch Kammie jump up, get her purse off the counter and join Kim at the door, “have fun,” I wave as they walk out the door. Kammie didn’t even look my way. She knew she was in the wrong for not helping out with the cleaning.

  Maybe it was her guilt from last night that made her leave; or maybe she just really wanted to go shopping, but either way I’m starting to feel like she’s not the same person I grew up with. Or maybe I’m just mad at the whole situation; mad that she told me what she did, that she forced me to share the burden and take part in the deception. Or maybe I’m just hung over and really hate cleaning. All the sudden I feel like slamming a door, so I leave the table and go to my room, but I don’t slam the door—my head couldn’t take it.

  I’m laying on my bed with Ozzy singing in the background, I don’t really care if people will think it’s cool or not because I really just want to be comfortable and you can’t be comfortable if you’re not being yourself. My door swings open, I fight a little urge to jump out of my bed and turn off my music, but I think it’s lamer to pretend to not like Ozzy, so I just lay in bed. My door opens and shuts, Trevor shoves me over and lies next to me.

  “I have to talk to you,” I don’t know if it’s the tone of his voice, or if it’s the confession I just heard from Kammie, but I have a terrible feeling he’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear.

  I close my eyes, “Don’t. Just don’t.” I know where this is going and I can’t hear it right now, I really can’t. I hate drama and I know that there’s a strong possibility that I’m about to get sucked into some.

  “I lied,” there’s a tick in his jaw and I definitely know what’s about to come next isn’t going to be anything that I want to hear, “I remember it all,” he’s staring at the wall ahead looking like he wants to punch something, “I k
issed Kammie in the closet and things got out of hand,” he exhales and shakes his head, “At first nothing was happening, but then she jumped on top of me and I kept trying to shove her off,” I roll my eyes and he sees the disbelief on my face, “I did, I said I loved Kim and everything—”

  I laugh and throw an arm over my face. I decide I think they both have made a horrible mistake; and I am about to tell him I know Kammie told me I caught them without her shirt on making out when he pulls my arm from my eyes. I look up at him and I can see he’s hurting, “I swear I was really messed up, which isn’t an excuse because even while drunk you know what you’re doing,” he shrugs, “your feelings are just turned off or something, I mean I still knew I loved Kim and all; I just didn’t care,” he pauses and takes a minute, “I really did try to resist and that’s when she just started kissing me and grabbing my hands and stuff,” I’m guessing the ‘and stuff’ was when she was trying to get him to feel her up, “then we both kind of fell and she got her top caught on a hanger. We’re both laughing and trying to get it off when she just rips her top off and then she jumps in my lap and we start kissing again. She kept trying to look for a worm or something crazy like that and she kept calling my phone a worm,” he shakes his head, “I don’t know but what I do know is we were all pretty drunk last night.”

  I’m quiet at first because I’m trying to process everything and piece together both stories. From what they both say it sounds like Kammie truly was the instigator, but they were both still at fault. I mean he still allowed the making out session to continue and cheating is cheating no matter which way you spin it. It doesn’t sound like it went as far as Kammie thought; she didn’t feel Trev’s worm which I’m glad, because at least that line wasn’t crossed, “you were raised better Trev, and you should tell Kim. She has to know, you’re too good of a person to live in a lie.”

  Trevor lets out a breath, “I can’t tell her,” I shoot him a glare, “not because I’m scared she’ll leave me, she needs to. I mean I deserve it and all,” he nods and I don’t disagree, “but if I do tell her she will make Kammie’s life hell,” he has a point but maybe that’s exactly what Kammie needs. Then I feel a little guilty for thinking like that because she is my best friend, “and Kim could take it out on you as well,” I shrug letting him know I don’t give a damn and I am about to tell him he needs to tell Kim but then he’s got this look on his face that I can’t place, “And I don’t want to be that guy,” he sounds so mournful and his face looks crushed and I don’t know where he’s going with this so I don’t say a word, I let him say whatever he needs to say because he looks so desperate, “I don’t want to be like my dad.” He whispers as tears well in his eyes but go no further because he just swallows them and looks away from me.

  I place my hand on his back and give it a rub, letting him know I will always be there for him. There is no way Trev will ever be like his piece of shit sperm donor. Trev’s dad used and abused Melissa and Trev; spending all their money and only coming around when he needed something. At eighteen Trev was twice the man his dad was; there was no way he was anything like him at all. And in this moment I decide to go along with whatever Trev wants; even though I know it’s wrong. I’ll stand good with my word to both of them and I’ll keep them both in the dark and maybe with any chance of luck we’ll all come out for the better and leave this mess in the dust, “you’re nothing like him, and I’ll support whatever you say.”

  He looks at me and nods, “I’d like that. I know you think I’m weak by not telling Kim the truth, but it’s not that I’m a coward, I just know she will make both your lives hell and I just don’t want that for you okay?” I nod; he smiles.

  I just have to know one thing, “I’m always on your side Trev, but if we are pretending like this never happened, then,” I lick my lips, “well I mean are you attracted to Kammie?”

  He shrugs, “I mean she’s hot and all but I do love Kim and I won’t act on it or anything.” I somehow don’t believe him because I think back to all of his reactions and I can now see he was jealous of Blake on the first day of school and at the party. It’s totally obvious he likes Kammie, but I won’t push it because it’s his life and I can tell he needs to believe he doesn’t have feelings for her so he doesn’t feel like such a bad person.

  He sighs a heavy breath cutting into my thoughts. Then he says, “I love Kim, that’s why I don’t want to tell her.” I don’t say anything because I mean what was I suppose to say? He turns his head and our blue eyes collide, he looks torn and frustrated and I’d give anything to fix him. “I’m in love.” He says this like it’s supposed to mean something, like I should know the significance of what he said.

  “Okay.” I say.

  He doesn’t stop looking at me, he looks a little lost. He’s got this look on his face that makes me weak in knees and sick to my stomach. Maybe it’s because I look up to him, or maybe it’s because he’s got the same look on his face the day they told us dad died. I was ten and he was thirteen, a couple of days away from turning fourteen. I don’t know how I looked, I imagined it was a mirror image of the way he looked then, the way he looks now.

  I remember playing in Melissa’s back yard when I saw Trevor walk out of the back door, his eyes were big as the sky, his forehead was crinkled with worry, his cheeks were streaked with snot and tears. He looked terrified then, just as he does now. I remember feeling sick and weak and he hadn’t even said anything yet. I knew whatever he going to tell me was going to be bad, because Trevor is solid as a rock; he’s the strongest person I ever knew. And I knew that if he was broken, then it was going to be something terrible. And if he was scared, then I knew I should be scared too.

  Trevor’s dad was always in and out, never staying for too long in one place, only staying long enough to get by. Long enough to trick Melissa into believing he was going to stay this time, but this time came and gone, and it went like this until Melissa got sick and tired of being sick and tired. So Trevor was always close to my dad, I had the best dad in the world. He made everything perfect, everyone happy. I think my mom must have died then too, because though she’s still here she’s long gone, she’s never been the same since. But I’m not thinking about her, not when she’s in Tokyo doing her thing; not while Trevor needs me, not while he’s by my side, where he’s always been and where he’ll always be.

  Trevor’s eyes swallow his face, they’re as big as the sky, my stomach curls into a ball, because looking at him now takes me back to the day he was thirteen and telling me over and over he’s gone; he’s dead. Tears well in my eyes and burn the back of my throat, my heart pummels my chest. My hands are slick with sweat as I slip mine in his, I can’t stand this. Maybe I feel like this because I’m going back in time, or maybe it’s because I’m watching the strongest person I know come unglued. So I lay next to him feeling small and helpless, while I watch the strongest person in the world look terrified and lost. And I feel the same now as I did then. If he was terrified, then I knew I should be too.

  He squeezes my hand, “I know what you’re thinking,” he says. “You’re thinking Kim is shallow, that I’m only after one thing.” I open my mouth to tell him I don’t think anything like that, but I don’t. I don’t understand where he’s going with this, but hadn’t I wondered what was up with him and Kim? I mean as far as I knew Trevor was always a free bird, never getting serious with girls. I wondered what he saw in her that was so different from all the other wild pretty things.

  “It might be hard to believe, but she’s more than a hot body and a pretty face,” he says. “It’s an act with Kim. She doesn’t want to get hurt so he puts on that she’s this hard ass or something,” he laughs, “but I know who she really is and she knows me.” He pauses, then wets his lips. “She’s got a good heart or I wouldn’t be with her, she’s different. She’s kind,” I let out a snort and he narrows his eyes at me. “You don’t know her like I do. She’s got a big heart; she’s just putting on an act. She wants people to believe she�
��s this ice princess, when she’s not.” I arch a brow. “Whatever, your opinion matters to me, you’re the only person I care if they think badly about her or not. I want you to know she’s good, and I want you to like her.” he says.

  I roll my eyes, “I do like her, I don’t think she’s a bad person, I just…” my voice trails off because I don’t know what to say or how to put it into words. I don’t know what to think. He’s always been such a free bird, there’ve been countless girls with pretty faces and sweet smiles come and go in his life. It’s hard to believe, but then it’s not. Kim’s not the only one with a heart of gold. He’s solid as a rock, steady and sure even if he wants people to think he’s wild and free. He is wild and free, he is. But he’s also loyal and faithful to the people he loves.

  “Like I said, she’s the only girl I’ve met that makes me want to be serious, and I don’t just mean with her, I mean about everything,” he eyes me. “She makes me want to be better, she makes me want to do things right.” He gets quiet for a while, then he says, “I don’t know how to say it, I know I don’t make sense. But I love her, I know I do. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, what happened last night was a mistake. If she ever left me, I’d go crazy, I don’t know what I’d do. And for me to be so dependent on someone else is scary. It’s like I don’t have control over my life.”

  Now my eyes pop out of my head, if there’s one thing I know about Trevor, he always likes to be in control, dad’s death only solidified that. I don’t think Trev likes Kammie anymore, not now that I’ve listened to the way he feels about Kim. I slip my hand from his and put my hand on his shoulder.

  “She’s your pretty little wild thing that makes you forget all the other pretty little wild things out there,” I say, and he just gives me a fake smile. But then I have to know, “Then if that’s how you feel, what happened?”

  “I got scared.” He says. “It’s scary to feel like this about someone, she’s got me in her hands, she’s got all the power,” I nod in understanding. “And I think part of me wanted to ruin it, face my fears. People come and go, we’re eighteen. Do you think an eighteen year old knows anything about forever,” he laughs. “Especially me, I’ve burned through girls, never staying long enough to learn their middle name.” I laugh because that was so true. “It started the same with Kim, but when the time came for me to give her the shoulder, I couldn’t do it.” He says. “I knew she’d have to be the one to leave, I know one day she will leave me,” he shakes his head. “People always do, Lexi, they always do.”

  I rub at my eyes and groan in frustration, “So you what? You do something to hurt her because you think she’ll break up with you one day?” I glare at him. I love him, I do, but his logic is enough to make me want to spit in his face. Kim obviously makes him happy, why he’d ruin it is beyond me. I want to say I don’t understand it, but I know him and how he is, so I completely understand. It still drives me crazy, but I understand all the same.

  I get it though, because I feel the same. No, I’m not head over heels in love with someone, but I’ve got the same fear. I don’t want someone to have so much control over me, I don’t want to put my trust in someone else, a person could get hurt doing a thing like that. I’m just as messed up in the head as Trevor. Like he said people come and go, they always leave. I should tell him he’s a dumbass, I should but I don’t. Because like I said, I feel the same as he does. The hardest part about it is, knowing it’s messed up and backwards, but too afraid to do anything about it.

  “Maybe they don’t Trev,” I say in a lame attempt to say what needs to be said, whether I believe it or not. He doesn’t say anything, “You’re dad left and my dad died.” I swallow a tear. “My mom left,” I close my eyes, I don’t know what I’m doing. I should just toss in the towel and give up because all I’m doing is proving his point further. So I go in a different direction. “I’m fifteen, you’re eighteen.” He’s quiet; all that can be heard is the chilling music and an occasional shaky breath. “We’ve only seen people leave when they can’t deal,” I lick my lips. “But, but that’s not true.” He fingers strands of my hair, it brings me to a lull, makes me want to close my eyes and let everything go. “I’m fifteen, maybe I don’t have someone that makes me want to talk about forever, but I know what it’s like to blindly trust someone,” I pause to collect my thoughts. “I trust you, I trust Melissa.” Trevor tells me that’s different.

  “Is it? I mean, we’ve had family leave us Trev, leave us like we’re an old pair of jeans or something. My mom dumped me on Melissa, and never once has she made me feel like an inconvenience, I almost feel like she wants me here, like I’ve belonged here all along.” I choke, unable to hold back the tears. Trevor tells me she does want me here, but he doesn’t have to tell me what I know. “So I don’t think the fact that she’s family changes my point,” I say, because it doesn’t. “I’m fifteen and I feel forever,” I say. “I feel it, you and Melissa will love me forever,” I sniff. Then I look in his eyes, I grab his hand. “You do too Trev, you do too.” His eyes search mine, like he’s making sure I mean what I say. And I do. “You’re eighteen and you know what forever feels like, you know what it means,” I curl into him and give him a hug. “You’re solid as a rock; you’ve always been there for the few people you let in.” I burry my nose in his chest. “If you say you love someone, then I believe you. And if you say you’ll love her forever, I know you will.” I sigh. “You’re not your dad, not my mom. And if you say there’s something different about Kim that she has a heart of gold, then she does.” I say, and I mean every damn word.

  He kisses the top of my head; I roll out of his arms and onto my back. “What if mom felt the same about dad?”

  I shrug, “I don’t think she did. I think she was sixteen and full of hormones,” I say. Then I think blaming what happened on her age only contradicts all I’ve said. But Melissa and I talk a lot, a lot about life, things she’s been through. Stuff like that. “It’s more than her age Trev, we’ve talked. That’s what she told me when I asked her if she was in love with your dad.” He curses his dad, and I smile. That’s all I say though, I don’t tell him about how she got drunk at a party and decided to lose her virginity to one of her best friends.

  “Age might play a factor for some people, like maybe most fifteen and eighteen year olds don’t know much about forever,” I say. “But you’re different. In some ways you’re a young eighteen and in other ways you’re an old eighteen.” He laughs, probably because I don’t make sense. “But I mean it, I believe you when you say you’ll love Kim forever.”

  “I’ve fucked up hardcore.” He says. “I never should have pussed out like some little bitch. She kind of pissed me off too though,” He tightens his jaw, he looks raw, I don’t know what she did, but whatever it was, he wasn’t over it. “Not that it’s an excuse for what I did, but it hurt that she wanted to play spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven,” he says. “I mean I have no desire to do anything with anyone else, not really. And when she said that, it pissed me off, it made me question whether or not I was making the right choice, falling for her.” I look him in the eyes, and chills spill over my skin. He looks like he could rip something apart with his hands. “I don’t understand why she’d want to do shit like that when she’s got me. I don’t know maybe she doesn’t love me.”

  I don’t say anything, because I don’t know what to say. The more he says, the more I understand his actions. I’m not saying he was justified, I’m not saying he should have done it. But at least now, I get it. Kissing Kammie was some sort of messed up self preservation; didn’t I know what that was like? But then I thought about Kim, the way she was tense at first when Kammie was around. Things come together in pieces and flashes, Kim knew that Kammie had the hots for Trev. I tried to look at things through Kim’s eyes, how it must have looked when she walked in on Trev telling Kammie about some lame ass soccer move. His hand on her leg, her batting her eyes at him, the way he held her hand to help her from the isl
and. I don’t remember last night, but I imagine Kammie probably flirted with Trevor.

  “Maybe you’re not the only one who lashes out when they’re hurt,” I say. “Maybe Kim was lashing herself, maybe that’s why she wanted to play spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven.” After I say it, I’m pretty sure that was likely. “She’s not blind, it’s obvious Kammie flirts with you all the time, I’ve talked to her about it myself,” I say. “Kim probably wanted to hurt you like you hurt her, probably wanted to make you squirm and wonder like she probably does.” He doesn’t say anything, I don’t know if I’m helping or not, because he just keeps to his self.

  We lay there for a while and listen to the music; it rakes over our skin, and we just let it soak in. It’s a nice little distraction, for a few minutes both of us forget last night and we just chill with Ozzy. But even Ozzy couldn’t shut my mind down, I couldn’t relax when I knew that he was heartbroken. I had to make things right, “look you made a mistake so own it,” he doesn’t say anything. Maybe I was being vague; or maybe he knew what I was trying to say and just didn’t care, “I’m serious. The past is in the past. You admitted that you made a mistake,” still nothing so I wet my lips, “you don’t plan to repeat it so let it go.” He rolls his eyes at me, “fine. Beat yourself up forever I don’t care. I mean it’s not like you picked Kammie, you drew her name.” I roll on my side so I can see his face; he closes his eyes.

  “I didn’t draw her name. I drew your name.” he allows me for to think about what he said, but it means nothing to me. I don’t understand the relevance in the statement I mean obviously he switched with Blake to avoid an episode of incest. Which, the word alone makes my stomach churn and I feel like bugs are seriously crawling on my skin, “You and Blake went in the closet first,” I’m lost and the expression on my face says it all. He groans and rubs at his face, “this would be so much easier if you could remember,” obviously. “Blake lied about drawing your name.”

  This whole recap of last night just didn’t make sense to me, “Okay so that was ballsy; why would he do that? I mean what if Evan had drawn my name instead of you?”

  Trevor shrugs, “that’s a territory I’m not going to explore. Dude was just drunk didn’t care if he got called out on it or not; he just really wanted to get you in a closet,” Trevor makes a face at that thought and I decide I’ll let that slide because I do not under any circumstance want to hear anything remotely sexual about him either, “the point is I knew he was lying,” again obviously, “I knew and didn’t care,” his voice was barely above a whisper and it caused goose bumps to bubble up on my skin.

  I think about what he says, I think about everything. “You care,” I say. “You wouldn’t be tearing yourself down if you didn’t.” I shrug. “She hurt you, you realized what she means to you and you got scared,” he nods. “Trevor when you get scared you lash out,” I say. He nods again. “We’re messed up in the head, whoever we choose forever with is going to have their work cut out for them,” I say and he nods again. “Like I said, I believe you when you say you want forever with Kim,” I bite my lip. “And forever is special; you’ve got to tell her.” I say. I don’t tell him that I’ll go along with whatever he decides, because he knows I’d never betray him. He doesn’t say if he will or won’t tell her, and I don’t push for the answer. This is something he has to decide for himself, either way I’d be there for him like I always will. I’m fifteen, but I know a little bit about forever and always, I know people don’t always leave; sometimes they stay.

  I was silent while I pieced last night together; no matter which direction my mind took, my thoughts always came back to one simple question. Why would Blake lie about drawing my name? It just didn’t make sense, I mean didn’t he like Kammie? I thought so because at school it seemed like he was into her and he invited her specifically to the party. It just doesn’t make sense. I shake my head in confusion and decide it really doesn’t matter because he’s with Kammie. And I think Evan likes me; maybe.

  A knock breaks into my thoughts, Blake thunders in the room, “The guys are here.” Trevor gives me a look and I say nothing; because there’s just nothing to say. Blake places both hands on the foot board and leans on it looking down at us; and then only at me. My eyes widen as they stare up at him, this is incredibly strange. His lips thin, “are you feeling okay?” he asks me.

  Trevor rolls his eyes and leaps off the bed; I follow suit and pop my back before I stand, “sure,” I give a weak laugh, “wish I could remember stuff,” shrug, “but you know?” Actually I don’t even know what I am even saying right now. I just smile at him and brush past him because I feel so weird. I shoot him a smile over my shoulder, “I’m going to get a trash bag started.” Blake stares after me for a minute but then he follows me and Trev.